I’ve been reading plenty of posts this morning for ICLW, and learning about other people’s choices and their reasons for those choices, and I thought I could stop for a moment to consider my own.
But I can’t.
I can’t consider my reasons for anything right now, because all I can think about is how scared I am.
I’m scared of getting pregnant. That sometimes seems like a joke, with one confirmed ovulation since 2005. I’m scared something bad will happen, because so many bad things have happened in my life.
I’m scared I won’t get pregnant, because so many bad things have happened in my life.
I’m scared I screwed everything up by not getting married until I was 28. I’m scared I screwed everything up by taking BCP from 18-27. I’m scared I screwed everything up by letting so many bad things happen in my life.
I know it’s irrational, but I’m scared I won’t get pregnant because I’ll be a bad mother. I’m scared I won’t get pregnant because I’m a bad person. I’m scared I won’t get pregnant because I don’t really want a baby after all.
I’m scared to try, and I’m scared not to try.
I read all these posts by all these witty, clever, angry, fighting women, and I just feel small and silly. I feel like everyone else has it all figured out, everyone else has a plan. A plan? I don’t even have someone to talk to. I don’t even like to leave my house and go out into the world, because I’m scared everyone will be able to see right through me and know how scared and lonely and hurt I feel and just laugh at me.
I sometimes mention ‘a friend of mine.’ Well, there are two, actually. But do they even count anymore? Isn’t a friend someone you talk to more often than every few weeks? I don’t know how to reach out. So you have become my friends, but you’re not because I can’t even share my secrets with you. I’m scared to do that because history has shown that tends not to work out too well for me. So I feel like I’m just lying to you, and that’s no way to have a friendship.
I feel like a fraud because my whole life seems like a lie sometimes. I put on a brave, happy front and wait for it to become real, but it doesn’t. I’m just a scared little girl, not a velveteen rabbit.
Hi there. Here from ICLW, but plan on sticking around.
I know it gets hard. It gets isolating. It gets REALLY scary. None of us really has a “plan” I think. We like to THINK we have plans, because it gives us a sense of control in a place where we have none.
But you’re not alone. I’ve spent the last year leaning on this community and I don’t know what I would do without it. It’s good that you’re here, and you’re righting. It’s a great start.
Thank you Mo, I really appreciate the kind words. This cycle is really handing it to me. Every day I feel worse, so I’m not looking forward to tomorrow, as bad as today is.
I know we’ve talked about this already, but bigs hugs!
Thank you Sarah!!
I know that I am scared too. My husband and I lost four pregnancies before moving on to adoption, and we are in the home study process now but every day I am scared. Scared our child will never adjust because they were adopted scared our marriage will suffer because we adopt a child who will be really hard work, I am scared I will get pregnant and lose it again. or scared it will stick and then it will be sick.
I think when having a baby has not been easy, for whatever reason we are no longer naive that only good things happen,
I hope you will feel support from the blogging community. Please feel free to email me if you need to ‘talk.’ IF is a hard thing to struggle through without people to talk to and I would happily be someone you can reach out to when you need to scream or be sad, or scared and just have someone to listen, even if its over email!
Love Chrissie
ICLW #23
Thank you, Chrissie. I’m sorry to hear about your losses. We would like to adopt as well, whether or not I get pregnant, but I don’t worry about adoption like I do about this, I think because my brother was adopted and he’s turning out okay.
I understand the fear.
Even though I look like someone who has passed the hoops, I am someone who has been anxious about getting pregnant, and then post-loss, of whether I should take the chance again and the fear that bad may happen again.
I understand it. As far as people are concerned, they just make do with what life has made them to face. You are doing it too. If you dig deeper, you will find everybody has fears.
xoxo
iclw #39
I feel like most of the time I’m just being silly about a lot of things, but it still makes it better to be reassured that I’m not. Thank you.
I’m scared too. Let’s be scared together
Hugs.
Hugs back! I hope the move is going well still.
I’m scared too. I have no plan. Thank you for writing this, I don’t feel so alone now
I’m so glad I could help you feel better too!!
I think I could have said some of your statements. I, too, read blogs by women who are so sure in their decisions, yet I’m questioning my decision to go ahead with IVF about hourly, despite the fact we’re on CD 10 of my first IVF cycle. You said it so well, it’s absolutely terrifying. Thank you for putting words to what I am feeling.
Thank you, I’m glad I could help.
Hugs…IF is hard, it can bring up feelings and emotions we never thought we would ever have to deal with. IF leaves it’s ugly footprint on our minds, heart and soul!!
There is no right or wrong way to feel or behave we all deal with this differently. Some people need to plan everything others need to just take things as they come.
Your feelings are not silly at all!! We have all been through those fears. One thing I learned through my journey is don’t suppress your fears, instead embrace them. Allow yourself time to feel, it is all part of the journey.
And getting pregnant doesn’t mean the fear stops, Until the day I held my son in my arms I was afraid that Infertility was going to rear it’s ugly head. I suffered with depression and anxiety throughout my entire pregnancy.
ICLW #27
I’ve become one of those that needs to plan everything, and it’s harder because I can’t. Thank you for reading!
Here from ICLW. Very powerful post. I understand. I am scared every single day. I’m scared about not only screwing up my life, but my husbands too. We loved each other from the beginning. Why did we wait to get married? Why did we wait to do anything? Maybe if I had started trying 4 years ago instead of 2 I would have gotten pregnant. Nothing I can do about it know…but having to live with this for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me.
So, I’m sorry if I can’t make you feel better, but I hope you feel less along…hugs to you
I do feel less alone. Thank you!
Sorry I’m so far behind on your blog, April! I completely understand this scared feeling. I’ve been there myself and it sucks. I definitely felt like my life was out of control, that everyone else had a plan and I was lost. Infertility does that–it takes all your good intentions and unceremoniously throws them away. I just want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings, and I hope things start looking up for you soon.
Thank you! They are getting better, slowly but surely.
Sending lots of hugs your way. I can totally relate to being scared. I’m sorry you feel so lonely. I hope you are able to find the support that you need and deserve.
Thank you for the hugs! All the support I’ve gotten on this post has helped a lot.
Thanks for writing this, it sounds a lot like me. A lot of people on here write about fears and stuff, but not like you did.
I am scared to get pregnant, and scared not to get pregnant too – feeling like everyone else has it figured out – I don’t even talk to my friends anymore either (its been months) – I put on a brave front even though I am losing it inside.
All I can say is be scared and do what feels right.
Good luck to you.
You’re welcome. Thanks for reading it.
As to doing what feels right, some days nothing feels right. Not continuing, not stopping, not staying, not leaving. Those are the bad days. But even when nothing feels right, I just stick with what I did yesterday, because maybe one of these days I’ll get the hang of it.
First time visitor from the weekly blog round-up. I’ve always been one who’s liked to have a plan, and in three years of TTC, my plan changed frequently.
IF is tough, and even harder when you don’t have a lot of support. A blog can be a great place to get that support if you aren’t finding it in real life. I’ve found the women in this community to be unfailingly helpful and encouraging.
Good luck to you.
Thank you! I really have felt a lot less alone since I started blogging. It’s so encouraging to meet so many great people who struggle with the same challenges, but keep each other’s hopes alive.
Oh, I so get this. From 2004 until 2007 I talked to NO ONE. I worked from home and was a virtual shut-in. I didn’t have my blog and everyone i knew was getting pregnant and having babies and my husband was totally desperate to have children and I just survived from one cycle to next, terrified.
Many, many hugs. This was a really brave post. You are not alone in feeling this way. You are not alone at all.
I never really considered myself a shut-in, but I was, for a long time. While I guess technically I still am, I don’t feel like it anymore, because I have you guys. Thank you!!
“I know it’s irrational, but I’m scared I won’t get pregnant because I’ll be a bad mother. I’m scared I won’t get pregnant because I’m a bad person. I’m scared I won’t get pregnant because I don’t really want a baby after all.”….
Yeah, that just about sums is up perfectly.
Thank you for expressing those feelings.
I’m scared too!
Thank you, it’s really good to know that I’m not the only one who’s scared of karma coming to bite me on the ass.
Everyone is scared. Some days I am stronger than other days. Some days I feel that I have it all figured out and some days I am completely hopeless. I too put on a brave face most days. Mostly because, what else am I supposed to do? I have no other choice than to keep going. Maybe I think I’ll fake it till I make it. Right now I have no plan, no insurance and no baby (and I’m right there with you with about two real friends).
I think it takes a lot of strength to be so honest with how you’re feeling. Most of us don’t want to admit that we’re feeling “small and silly”, but we are!!!!!!!
Really great post!
xoxo
Kendra, thank you so much for such a wonderful comment. Everything you said made me feel a lot better on day when I really, really need that.
I’m scared too, for many of the same reasons as you. You’re not alone, so not alone. I too have found it hard to share what I am going through with my friends, but I’ve recently gotten even more hard to go through this alone. I made myself share with them how things have been and it was quite refreshing. In fact, I’ve felt much better this week than I have in ages! *big hugs* I hope sharing on your blog helps you.